There's a first time for everything, right?

I had been on call for a birth with Brenda, a VBA2C mom, and was anxiously awaiting it. VBAC births are near and dear to my heart, and I always look forward to them. Well, I got the call this past Thursday night, that C was in labor. She was about 1 1/2 hours from my house, so I headed out as soon as I was able to...it was 7pm when I got going. It was the first time ever though, that I had a bad feeling about the birth. I even grabbed my copy of Polly's Birth Book on my way out...hesitating because I never bring any of my books with me. God was really pressing on my heart though to take it. I prayed all the way down there, and even called a friend to share my feelings. She told me to listen to my instincts, and listen for God...but at the same time to make sure that it wasn't just fear. I was thankful for her voice on my drive. I got there, and Brenda had requested that I check her and check fetal heart tones, since she was about 2 hours behind me. I checked C, and couldn't get a feel for her dilation. Her cervix was at the very tip of my fingers, and I went up as far as I could without hurting mom. She had been falsely told at her last OB appointment that she was 4cm dilated. I told her that I could not reach it to get a good feel, but would have Brenda check when she got there.

I then checked heart tones, and was rather alarmed when the baby went from 122bpm, to 175 within the 2 minutes I had it on her belly. I was concerned. C and I went walking, because her contractions were *very* spaced out -- about 45 minutes apart. I was disappointed because I knew that the birth was not iminent, and I was exhausted already. When Brenda arrived, we chit-chatted for a while, and then C requested to be checked. Thankfully it wasn't just the dumb apprentice, lol...Brenda had a very hard time reaching the cervix as well. Apparently C was only dilated to about 1-2cm, cervix was still very high and posterior. We checked fht's again, and they literally went from between 106-183bpm. Not good at all. We talked to C and her husband about our concerns, told them that we really felt the baby was in distress. They asked for a few moments to talk and pray. We stepped out of the room, and talked between us. Come to find out, Brenda did not have a good feeling about this birth when leaving her house either. She was not happy with the fht's. Well, a "few moments" turned into an hour. I got a really yucky feeling ( for lack of better term ) when I realized that we were no longer being considered in the plans. C's husband came out asking if they could use the doppler, by themselves without us in the room. They wanted to see for themselves what the fht's were at...and C somehow convinced herself that they were getting better, even when we could hear in the hallway that it dipped down to about 105-110 a few times. I told Brenda that I was no longer comfortable there, and she said she wasn't either. She left the option of me leaving, saying it was up to me and to do what I felt I needed to do.

We went back into the room, where C was trying to convince us that it had gotten better...and in all honesty, fht's *had* gotten a bit better. But they were still showing major signs of distress. Then, lying on her floor was a business card of a local doctor that her friend had brought her ( they were staying with friends ), to get a second opinion. That was the point where I realized that the trust was gone. C wanted to continue waiting it out, despite both Brenda and myself saying that we felt there was something wrong. I then decided it was time to go. I have NEVER walked out on a laboring mom before, but my heart was telling me that I should not be there.

Thank God everything ended up fine...well, not the birth. C ended up with another c-section on Friday night at about 10pm...after getting to 8cm. Brenda had stayed with them until early afternoon, and said it was time to leave because the baby's heart rate was still a bit questionable, and mom was not progressing in dilation. They agreed that they would go to the hospital.

You know, as I was driving home at 5am, after being awake for almost a full 24 hours...I began wondering if maybe I had experienced a major lack of faith, and if I had needed to trust God more in this situation. But the parents were very "hyper-Christian", as I put it...and that always makes me uncomfortable. The notion that something will happen how *they* want it to, because they pray in that manner, is not biblical. Biblically we know that things happen according to God's will, not our own. There were clear signs of the baby not doing well...and even though the baby *did* end up healthy....what if he hadn't? God gives us free will, but He also has ways of guiding us. I believe that with neither me or Brenda having a good feeling about the birth ahead of time, and then the circumstances...was God guiding me in what I needed to do. I still wonder what would have happened had I shown more faith, but I was feeling such a tugging to get out of there. It was so strong.

New Adventures

I don't know why, but I am always surprised when I am led to something, and can see that God is totally behind it. A woman, Laura, that I actually "met" through MySpace is an apprentice midwife in Utah. We began "talking" online, sharing in our adventures as apprentices, and it blossomed into a friendship. Well, in the beginning of this year, she contacted me about a good friend of hers here in CA, who needed a doula. Janna wanted a hospital birth ( I don't do hospital births, I emotionally just can't handle them ) but wanted a doula because she ended up having an epidural and other interventions not originally wanted. I agreed to at least meet with her and her husband, and see if she would be comfortable staying home for the majority of labor. It turned out that she was extremely interested in a home birth, but her husband had reservations. So he asked many questions, and I answered them the best I could. I got a call back later on that week from her, saying that they agreed to a home birth! I was absolutely elated. As her pregnancy got closer to the end, and our friendship had really bloomed, I had asked my midwife, Brenda, if I could be more hands on with this birth. She agreed as long as Janna was fine with it. It ends up that she labored really fast and I was closer to her than Brenda was. I caught my first baby that morning. : ) Baby boy was 8lbs 7oz...Janna's largest. : ) She did a beautiful job, and our friendship has continued to grow. She has already said that she would like me as her midwife for their next baby.

Onto God's next plan for me, brought about through Laura. She had sent me an email asking if I had seen another local midwife's blog about her new birth center, and also putting out the need for new apprentices. I had responded to Laura, saying that I wouldn't be able to do a committed apprenticeship with another midwife at this point, that it had worked out with Brenda because she understood my time constraints with having 3 little ones and being a full time mom. Well, I happened to meet Lori because of an ICAN meeting, and talked with her for a bit. Turns out that she was hosting a Midwifery Study Group, in preparation for NARM's CPM exam. This was something that I've been interested in for a while, and so signed up. In exchange for the cost of the class, I agreed to assist at some births with Lori. I also was given the opportunity to have prenatal exam experience at the birth center. I spent all day on August 14th, and then August 30th doing prenatals with Lori. I attended my first birth with Lori on the 20th. ( See the "Another Fantastic Birth" post ) I really enjoyed working with her....I think because she is so much closer in "midwifery style" to Brenda than some of the other midwives I've happened to work with. I had a second birth with her on the 30th. I'll post about that next. It was a first for both of us....a birth at 36 weeks gestation.

I thoroughly enjoyed my first midwifery study class...and am learning so many new skills. For example, I have finally learned how to manually take a blood pressure reading. : ) I look forward to each class ( one Saturday a month )...and discovered that we will learn how to suture, will have a neonatal resuscitation class and certification, and will be Hazmat certified.

I am just feeling so blessed that God has laid the path for my journey as an apprentice midwife this far. Everything has been by, and because of Him. My c-section was an incredibly hurtful experience, and I will forever mourn what happened....but God has moulded me into who I am now because of it. He has taught me so much in so little time. I am grateful for each and every midwifery adventure I have.

Failed Induction Means That Your Body Works!

The concept of failed inductions being a good thing, was brought up on ICAN. The process of labor begins when the baby's lungs secrete a hormone that kickstarts labor. In the absence of labor, it pretty much means that your baby and your body are not ready yet.

How often do you hear of a woman going in for an induction, being stuck on pitocin, epidural, and water broken for "too long" and then "needing" a c-section for fetal distress, CPD, or FTP? It happens a lot. And then, the women are told that their bodies do not function correctly. After all, when you induce labor, it's just going to happen, right? Wrong. Think of it in terms of trying to peel back the petals of a flower before it's ready to bloom. If it's JUST about to bloom, you may have some success with opening the flower. But if it's not ready yet, the petals are just going to fall off and you'll have a ruined flower. It's the same with trying to induce a baby who's not ready, in a body that is not ripe.

When an induction fails to completely dilate a woman, and bring down a baby....the body is doing its job. Our bodies are built to protect the unborn baby while in our womb. God designed it as such, and quite intricately. An induction is the process of adding chemicals to our body to artificially simulate labor. The contractions that are brought on by the use of pitocin are unnatural contractions. They are harder than natural contractions, and pose risks to the baby. Pitocin is actually NOT approved by the FDA for use in pregnancy or labor. Cervadil is a gel that is inserted next to the cervix, to ripen and begin labor. But did you know that cervidil contains pig semen? Cervidil is a prostaglandin...the same type contained in your husband's semen. ; ) I'd much rather have my husband's semen inside of me, than a pig's. There is also the Foley Catheter method of induction. This is where a catheter with a balloon is inserted between the amniotic sac and opening of the cervix. This is means of manually dilating the cervix. Theoretically, it is supposed to fall out after 4cm dilation. However, women have experienced complications with this where the balloon does not disengage. It can also cause cervical swelling, preterm labor for subsequent labors, and often is not JUST a foley induction. Rarely do interventions come individually....they tend to become a slippery slope.

Anyway, back to my point. Our bodies are designed to protect the baby inside of our wombs. When there is something artificial that is added to the body, trying to eject the baby...it's going to hold onto that baby, trying to protect it. When an induction has failed, the body has done its job very efficiently.

Instead of women being told that their bodies are broken, or that their baby was too big...they should be told that their body functioned exactly how it should have. It protected the baby inside. I truly pray that there will be a shift in how pregnancy, labor, and birth are seen. Labor and birth is not a disease that needs to be "handled", it's a beautiful process that was designed by God. I pray that more women begin to trust in God ( or whatever they believe in ) when it comes to childbirth. It's one of the most amazing experiences that we will ever go through, and it's such a shame that women rush it, or numb and drug their bodies ( and babies!!!! ) for it. Should we have an epidural for an orgasm that may be too intense? I should hope not. : )

Another Fantastic Birth

I attended another great birth on Monday, Aug. 20th...but with a different midwife than usual. This was my first birth with her, and I was quite impressed with her hands-off style. I haven't seen that other than in my preceptor, so it was awesome.

Mom was in labor a total of about 7 1/2 hours...which was long for her, as her last two were under 2 hours total. NOT fair at all. LOL But she did beautifully...she was chit chatting for quite a while after we got there, and I wasn't sure if it would even be "it" for a while. Contractions picked up when she and hubby went for a walk twice, but would calm down when she'd get back to the house. She decided to get into the tub after the second walk, and relaxed for a while. Contractions really began picking up, and it wasn't long after that the baby was born. The coolest thing about the water birth, is that the midwife uses a Rubbermaid Horse Trough. Seriously. It worked wonderfully because it was deep enough, wide enough, and the sides were definitely sturdy enough to labor against.

At 1:09pm on Monday August 20, we had a gorgeous baby boy. He weighed in at 9lbs3oz and was 21 1/2 inches long. Mom did beautifully, and I got to witness first hand how a baby will "crawl" to mommy's breast when left alone on mommy's bare chest. God is so awesome in His design. Every time I attend a birth, I see the glory of God.

This is a picture of me and the baby. I look awful, but it's a picture nonetheless. ; )

OBs are Surgeons

One thing that I don't think a lot of women realize, is that OBs are trained surgeons. They are not trained in the art of natural childbirth, nor do they often know how to just let labor "be". I wonder, if things were worded differently, would the birthing climate change?

Instead of "My doctor delivered my son...."

• "I delivered my son...."

No one delivers your baby but you. I am always honest when I say that I have only ever delivered 2 babies. And I have three children. But one was a cesarean. *I* didn't deliver him, my OB did. And I have caught 2 babies as a midwife, but I certainly have never "delivered" anyone else's baby. Why give the credit to someone else for the hard and fulfilling work that you have done?

Instead of "Well, I am going to have this done because my doctor said....."

• "I am going/not going to have this done because I have researched this thoroughly..."

We cannot rely on what anyone else tells us about anything, without doing our own research. An OB on a OB/GYN forum once put the blame on inductions and elective c-sections on us women. And you know? He was 100% correct. He made the pefectly factual statement that most women research what car they're going to buy, more than they research childbirth or the procedures that are being done. How very true. How many women actually research the risks and side effects of inductions? Of labor drugs? Of having their water artificially broken? Of ANY of the things routinely done in childbirth that have no place in a natural process?

Instead of "My doctor said this baby is getting very big..."

• "I am going to eat healthy during my pregnancy, and I believe that God has given me the ability to birth whatever size baby grows in my womb."

There needs to be less fear surrounding childbirth. God designed the process so intricately. And we are supposed to have trust in every other area of our lives, but I hardly see this subject tackled without vehement accusations of "judgement" when it's brought up that God needs to be trusted in childbirth as well. That we shouldn't be going in to be induced when there's no reason, that we shouldn't be drugging ourselves and our babies for the most amazing experience that God designed us for. Why is there such a disconnect with Christian women and birth? We are entrusted with the life of another human being. We are supposed to do our very best from the moment of conception. This doesn't stop when we're in temporary pain. The wonderful thing is, God designed our bodies to release the *highest* amount of endorphins that our bodies will ever see at once, after natural childbirth. If you're induced, have pain meds or an epidural...the endorphins are blocked. What a shame that we don't get to fully bask in the glory of our baby's birth, just to escape temporary pain. God is awesome in His design.


So going back to it....

"You don't go to a Chinese Food Restaurant if You Don't Want Chinese Food!" ~ Nancy Wainer-Cohen.

You don't go to a surgeon if you don't want surgery. You don't go to a place for the ill and dying if you want to give life. The hospital is not for healthy people. The hospital is, again, for the sick and dying. Why would a perfectly healthy woman go to a place like that to deliver a perfectly healthy baby? Not always do both walk out in the same condition. Read this.

And what always makes me laugh....why do women go to male OBs? They will never know what it's like to give birth. They will never physically understand the physiological aspects of birth. The emotional aspects, or the psychological aspects. That would be like taking driving instructions from a mechanic who knew *everything* about the car, inside and out, but who had never driven before. Umm....

Women, unless changes are made NOW....birth will be the same or worse with our daughters. Why not open the path to them growing up knowing that birth is NORMAL, rather than a medical event? Why not teach them that they have been given an extremely honorable task and privilege by God in giving birth? It's a wonderful experience, and it far outweighs any labor pains.

Five Baffling Vaccination Facts

FIVE BAFFLING VACCINATION FACTS
by Lisa K. Jillani


Fact #1:
Approximately 1/3 of Doctors Refuse Vaccinations, yet . . .
Exposure to illness is an occupational hazard for the medical community. Doctors are among the highest risk population groups and most hospitals and practices make it mandatory for physicians to be vaccinated. Researcher and author Neil Z. Miller reports that approximately 66% of pediatricians and obstetricians refused the MMR shot in one study.[1] An equal percentage of doctors refused the Hepatitis B shot, mostly citing safety concerns because of rumors of animal DNA contamination in the shots.[2] The American Medical Association's (AMA) Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine cite a 1994 study where approximately 1/3 of doctors were working without mandatory flu vaccines.[3] Yet the doctors blindly follow national recommendations to vaccinate every child they can round up (sometimes with as many as five vaccines in one visit).


Fact #2:
Vaccine Failures are Well Documented, yet . . .
The AMA reported that "measles is increasingly becoming a disease of adults," admitting that the demographics of this typically childhood disease are shifting to adults as vaccines wear off too early.[4] Almost all childhood illnesses are deemed much more dangerous in adults. Mumps and rubella are also being reported to be shifting toward older children and adults. During epidemics, measles has been known to attack nearly 100% vaccinated populations.[5] Similar statistics have been seen during mumps outbreaks. Rubella, which is very innocuous in childhood, is now threatening women of child-bearing age (the very group the shot was supposed to protect to prevent birth defects).[6] After nearly 55 years of medical hoopla, the Centers for Disease Control reports that pertussis is at the highest levels since 1967. [7] Constant (and profitable) boosters are now the government's only solution for shortsightedly disrupting the natural course of childhood illnesses. Yet, the policymakers are never apologetic.


Fact #3
Vaccine Efficacy is Often Misreported, yet . . .
The medical establishment has always maintained that there is no ethical way to study vaccine efficacy in a random, double-blind environment because of ethical implications. Efficacy is thus measured by blood antibody counts for a particular vaccine. As fact #2 shows with regard to measles in vaccinated populations, antibody titers are extremely unreliable predictors of whether a vaccinated child will contract a disease. Based on the antibody titer logic, the whole-cell pertussis (whooping cough) vaccine, the only product available in the U.S. until recently, was deemed 85 to 90% effective by the U.S. medical community.[8] When the same product was recently tested in Sweden and Italy during a U.S. Centers for Disease Control (CDC) funded study, the vaccine proved only 48 and 36% effective respectively.[9] Searching for a smokescreen, the CDC immediately hailed the newer acellular vaccine as being a safer, more effective product (they had initially blasted this Japanese product as being ineffective, but constant bad press about the safety of whole-cell vaccines changed their minds -- and statistics).

The government's excuse for the miserable efficacy rates was that the kids in the study only got three shots, while American kids get additional boosters at 18 months and 4-6 years. Let's see, pertussis is most dangerous for children under one, who get 3 shots (at 2, 4, and 6 months). Maybe the pertussis bacterium avoids infants fearing those upcoming boosters! As if that wasn't absurd enough, the same official explained that the low efficacy of the vaccine can partially be attributed to the fact that both Sweden and Italy were in the middle of epidemics during the studies. Huh? You mean the product is 85-90% effective unless it comes in contact with the disease, at which point it fails 64% of the time? Yet, the medical community continues to give these products credit for eliminating infectious diseases.


Fact #4
Vaccines Kill and Maim Regularly, yet...
The National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program (NVICP), established in 1986, has paid out over $1 billion in injury awards to date. Thousands of cases are pending, stuck in the federal bureaucracy.[10] This despite the fact that HHS Secretary Donna Shalala recently narrowed the definition of vaccine injury so critically that only immediate and severe reactions can now qualify.[11] Seizure disorders, brain damage, ataxia, aseptic meningitis, paralysis, learning difficulties, and death, that typically occur many days or weeks following these vaccines are now all excluded. And here's the cherry on top: since doctors have little incentive to report themselves to a passive reporting system like the government's Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System (VAERS), former FDA Director David Kessler once admitted that only 10% of vaccine injury cases are ever reported.[12] So the injuries can even conservatively amount to tens of thousands of children every year, while doctors continue to diagnose and treat mysterious new illnesses and maintain the "one in a million" adverse reaction myth taught in med schools (Hint: no drug is that safe).

Actually, the physicians' creed, instead of, "First, do no harm," might as well be, "First, deny causal relationship." Not that a causal relationship matters either. The prestigious and supposedly independent Institute of Medicine (IOM) reported after a thorough review in 1991 that a causal relationship did exist between acute encephalopathy (brain inflammation) and the DPT shot.[13] They also found a causal relationship between the MMR shot and chronic arthritis in women. Yet, they did the obvious when it comes to pampering pharmaceutical giants -- they recommended continuing the suspect products and suggested "further study" (translation: maintain profitable and deceptive status quo).


Fact #5
Vaccines are Not Tested for Long-Term Safety, yet...
After years of controversy the CDC finally admitted in 1996 that the polio vaccine used on millions in the 1950s may have contained the SV-40 monkey retrovirus (which causes cancer in laboratory animals). [14] Of course, they went on to deny that there is any, you guessed it, "causal relationship" between contaminated vaccines and the dramatic increases in many diseases like cancer, chronic fatigue, learning disorders, epilepsy, juvenile diabetes, etc.

The sad fact for the consumer is that vaccines will never be reliably implicated in diseases occurring years or even decades after a shot. Drug companies hardly have the incentive to provide researchers with multi-million dollar grants and risk being held responsible for altering the global gene pool. Vaccine inserts always warn that the mutagenic and carcinogenic potential of the products has not been tested. Forced into our children's bloodstreams without the benefit of the natural defense our organs mount, horse, cow, chicken, monkey, rabbit or even worse, lab-engineered, DNA can have consequences that no scientist can predict with our limited knowledge of the human immune system. (Add to this diseased or lab-created tissue all the adjuvants and stabilizers like formaldehyde, antibiotics, aluminum salts and thimerosal -- a mercury derivative -- and you have a truly toxic witch's brew).

The new breed of chronic illnesses are too profitable for the medical community to sweat over their mysterious causes. While more virulent and drug-resistant forms of infectious diseases manifest themselves, researchers are getting a cold shoulder from the government for discovering potential problems with old and new vaccines.[15] Emerging research into vaccine links to diabetes, arthritis, allergies, asthma, and many crippling autoimmune disorders seems to indicate that the chronic effects of these products can linger undetected for years (generations?) only to explode into our systems later. Chronic diseases are increasing at a staggering rate in the West. Many like Type 1 diabetes, asthma and certain cancers have increased three- to five-fold over the last 50 years. The reasons remain obscure and unresearched as the scientists "speculate" on the causes. We are in a short-sighted world which, in pursuit of a quick buck, shows little concern for contaminating our species with foreign proteins which can permanently alter or even incapacitate our future generations. Yet, we keep bowing to a system whose chief motive is simply profit. We are unsuspectingly handing people our hard earned money so they can sell us a product that has been suspect since its inception -- ineffective, unsafe, and potentially a threat to the survival of our species.


###

Lisa K. Jillani is a mother of two and a writer, editor and publisher who has been researching vaccines for over ten years. She is the founder and president of P.A.V.E.



REFERENCES:
1) JAMA 1981 Feb 20;245(7):711-3 "Rubella vaccine and susceptible hospital employees. Poor physician participation."

2) Mendelsohn, Dr. Robert, "The Drive to Immunize Adults," Herald of Holistic Health Newsletter, Sept.-Oct. 1985.

3) Archives of Pediatric & Adolescent Medicine, Dec. 1996. (AMA).

4) Science, March 26, 1977.

5) FDA workshop to review warnings, use instructions, and precautionary information [on vaccines], July 18, 1992.

6) Mendelsohn, Dr. Robert, How to Raise a Healthy Child...In Spite of Your Doctor, p.218.

7) Preventing Emerging Infectious Diseases: A Strategy for the 21st Century. (U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services/CDC publication), Oct. 1998, p.22.

8) JAMA, Aug. 8, 1995.

9) JAMA, Aug. 8, 1995.

10) NVICP, Health Resources and Services Administration. (Federal Government)

11) VAERS informational document_ (Federal Government)

12) Severyn, K.M., Ph.D., Dayton Daily News, May 28, 1993.

13) Adverse Effects of Pertussis and Rubella Vaccines, IOM report, 1991.

14) NIH Symposium on Simian Viruses, Jan. 27-28, 1997.

15) The Vaccine Reaction, NVIC newsletter, vol. 1 issue 4.

Risks and Side Effects of Epidural Anesthesia

It always completely dumbfounds me when I hear someone say that epidurals are harmless. That if you "have" ( I'll comment on this later ) to have one, don't feel bad about it. It's no big deal. Women either don't know ( lack of education surrounding epidurals ) or don't care ( their comfort is more important than baby's safety ) about the risks and side effects of an epidural. After all, why should anyone point it out when it's not PC to do so. When you point out that it carries risk, and the motivation behind getting one is purely selfish...you're being judgemental, not factual. Sorry ladies, I'm not afraid to offend with the truth.

So, let's take a look at the risks and side effects to both mom AND baby, when an epidural is used during labor. This is a summary of a very large, recent study that was done. It has several authors, and was also done by meta-analysis. The full study summary can be found at:
http://www.transitiontoparenthood.com/ttp/foreducators/ceinfo/Side%20Effects%202.htm

Risks and Side Effects of Epidural Anesthesia During Labor:

• Limited Mobility - 100%
• Low Blood Pressure - up to 50%
• Fever, mom - up to 24%
• Urinary Retention - up to 68%
• Post Partum Urinary Incontenence - 27% with an epidural, 13% without
• Shivering - 33%
• Nausea - up to 30%
• Vomiting - up to 13%
• Itching - between 8-100% ( varying degrees )
• Backache Immediately After Birth - 53%
• Incomplete Pain Relief - up to 25%
• Slower 1st Stage of Labor - up to 4.8 hours longer
• Longer 2nd Stage ( pushing ) - up to 55 minutes longer
• Instrumental Delivery - up to 80%. 6 out of 9 studies indicate that less than 50% of women with an epidural had a spontanious vaginal delivery.
• Fever in the baby ( that result in a sepsis work up ) - 30%
• Fetal Distress - 10-15%
• Malpositioned Baby - up to 26%
• Lower Apgar Scores- up to 17%
• Baby Having to Endure Sepsis Work Up ( which includes spinal tap ) - up to 34%
• Baby Being Treated with Antibiotics - up to 15%
• Effects on Breastfeeding - Women who used epidurals were less likely to still be breastfeeding at 6 months. ( 30% vs. 50% )
• Cesarean - 2-3 times as likely with an epidural.

THESE are the reasons that I'm against epidurals. Again, the reasons behind getting an epidural are purely selfish. And why would you put your baby through these risks, just to escape the pain of labor, that only lasts a very short while in the grand scheme of things? God designed childbirth to be so very perfect. After birth, we have the highest amount of endorphins released at one point...unless there have been artificial chemicals added to the body. So we totally miss out on God's fullest blessing in birth, by numbing for labor.

The Maternal Disconnect

We have such a disconnect in our culture now from our babies and our children. Call me old fashioned, but it seemed that children were better off in generations before this. Mothers stayed home with their small kids, instead of sending them off to daycare at the ripe old age of 6 weeks. But I believe that the problem starts in pregnancy. There is such a *huge* disconnect when it comes to the precious being that we carry for those forty weeks, give or take a few. Women let the doctors handle everything, instead of playing an active role in their prenatal care. Seriously, how hard is it to do the average prenatal visit? And no, I'm not talking about labs or necessary ultrasounds. I'm not speaking of problems or issues that would warrant a trip to the OB's office. I'm not saying to forgo prenatal care altogether either. I'm strictly speaking of the average obstetrical prenatal appointment. What is done?

• Woman gets weighed
• Woman pees in a cup
• Woman's belly gets measured
• Woman is asked how she is doing, and if there are any concerns or questions ( and even then, not all doctors do! )
  

Buy a scale, if you feel it's necessary to keep track of weight during pregnancy. For the most part, I don't believe it is necessary to continue weighing unless there is a significant loss or gain.

Buy a bottle of Urinalysis Strips for between $20-$35
Those test for Glucose, Protein, and Ketones. Same thing as in the doctor's office.

The belly measurement is arbitrary in the way that OBs use them to scare you about size. It only means what your belly is measuring there at that exact moment. It depends on how much fluid you have that day, what position the baby is in, and the sun and the stars aligning just so. ;) It *can* be a useful tool in finding out when baby has dropped, if the baby isn't growing at a normal rate, etc. At least that's how it works when midwives use it as a tool. ; )

As far as being asked how you're doing, well...have a visit with a friend instead. Or a doula. Talk about the pregnancy, how you're feeling emotionally. Personally, this is why I hired a midwife. Midwives do this at each visit. It's more like sitting with a friend than a "care provider". If you choose the OB route...then learn how to take charge of your own pregnancy anyway. That is *your* baby in there. Learn how to palpate ( feel for what position baby is in ) and how to understand what you're feeling, physically.

The next disconnect is blindly trusting the OB ( or even midwife! ) without doing research on your own. Research, study...know what is going on physiologically with your body, and what will happen during labor so that you aren't afraid. Ignorance and fear can bring on a really bad experience. Read my cesarean story. Doctor says that you should be induced because you've reached 40/41 weeks...research the risks of inductions, and the risks of remaining pregnant. Doctor says that your pelvis is too small, and you'll need a cesarean...research the risks and effects of a cesarean, not only for you and the current baby, but what it will mean for future pregnancies as well. Research, research, research. Don't take your Aunt Mary's pregnancy advice at face value...research. It doesn't matter WHO it's coming from, do your homework.

One of the disconnects that I advocate hard against? Epidurals. Oh boy is that a hot button issue with me. Epidurals numb you from the nipple line down. You are now an INactive participant in the labor and birth of your child. You have taken a backseat to anesthesia, and playing a game of roulette. Many women are under the incredibly false belief that Epidurals are harmless. Not only do Epidurals Carry Risks for you, but they carry risks for your baby. Epidurals are known for slowing down labor, and sometimes completely stopping it. Then roll in the cascade of interventions and pray you don't wind up on the operating table. Epidurals are known for causing major changes in your blood pressure. Again, pray that you don't wind up on the operating table. Epidurals have shown to cause changes in the baby's heart tones. That'll buy you a ticket onto the operating table as well. Nevermind that it absolutely *does* pass through the placenta, that epidurals *contribute to 5,000 seizure disorders in newborns and children each year*, or that it has been proven that epidurals cause baby to be sleepy and have a poor suck reflex that interferes with breastfeeding. I have heard so many times, "If it weren't for the epidural, I never would have relaxed enough to fully dilate." That's utter crap. Your body will continue to dilate until the baby is out. How on earth did women do it before epidurals? I think generations would have died off if that was the case.

And you know, I'll say it. Having an epidural is plain selfish. It does nothing to benefit your baby, and it in fact adds risk TO your baby. If it's not for the well being of the little being, then who is it for? Oh, that's right...mom. "I'm not trying to be a hero." "I could never go through labor without an epidural." "I'm just not that brave." "I'm too scared to go without." "I want to actually enjoy my labor."

Where's the "I want the safest birth for my baby." answer??? If women understood the physiological aspects of labor, and if epidurals weren't handed out like candy...more would know that they are perfectly capable of surviving childbirth without anesthesia. It absolutely tickles me that women fight day after day to be seen as strong and capable...except in childbirth. Somehow, when it comes to doing the very thing that our body was specifically designed to do...women are weak. Not strong enough. Not capable enough. Not brave enough. By being numbed from the nipples down, women disconnect themselves from one of the most amazing things they will ever experience. And by having an epidural, women are blocking the enormous amounts of endorphins that are released during labor. I was on a high for days after my home birth. And it was a HARD labor and birth.

The next disconnect is breastfeeding. "It just seems so wrong.", "Oh no, I couldn't breastfeed...what if people saw me?", "Formula is just as good now.", "I was formula fed, and I turned out just fine.". Again, breastfeeding is something that we were specifically designed to do. We are mammals. We lactate. Babies are literally hardwired to nurse. It has been documented ( and I saw it with my own eyes recently! )that a baby who has been born without any drugs having gone into his system, and left on mommy's belly naked...will crawl up mommy's tummy to breast, and latch on. Watch that video, and then tell me that babies aren't meant to breastfeed. When we choose to bottle feed, it's a whole other disconnect. Breastfeeding enables on of the most precious bonds a mother can have with her baby. That is the one thing that cannot be done by anybody else once the baby is born. It is the tie that continues to bind them. Breastfed babies are shown to have less incidences of childhood obesity, diabetes, illness, and have even been shown to have higher IQ points. Mothers who breastfeed are at less risk for breast cancer. There are reasons why things are supposed to be done naturally.

My last point of disconnect is that mothers do not stay home anymore. Babies are being dropped off at 4-6 weeks of age, being left in the hands of either a relative, or strangers. I understand financial difficulties with having a single income household. I really do. But a lot of mothers don't work out of true necessity. They work because they want to be out of the house, or because they don't want to go without their weekly shopping trips, or because they want to feel "accomplished". What about the babies? It makes me incredibly sad to hear stories of the children eventually become sad to leave the daycare worker. One friend told me that she was heartbroken when her son wanted to only sit with his daycare worker ( who had become like a mom to him, not surprisingly ) at his birthday party, instead of mom. Then on the more extreme side, I have a friend who informed me very matter-of-factly that she was not going to have any children until she could afford a full time nanny. And that she'd take a c-section so that she wouldn't have to go through "yucky" childbirth. And that she would not breastfeed because it was disgusting. This is the society that we live in.

So, in closing...I believe that it starts in pregnancy. There needs to be a bond, a sense of knowledge when it comes to the creation of our little person...starting in the womb. Women need to begin to research the things that go on in pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding. Because often, and sometimes without even knowing, our lives are shaped by our birthing experience.

My Home VBAC Story

And now for my HBAC story, since I posted my cesarean story. It was most definitely a difficult birth. I have a lower back injury from a car accident that happened 7 years ago. I have chronic pain in my lower back on regular days...add a pregnancy to it, and it's almost dabilitating at times. My daughter stayed persistent posterior throughout the end of pregnancy, no matter what I did. I visited www.spinningbabies.com religiously, and tried everything. She was in that position for a reason. What reason, I don't know. But I believe that everything has a reason. Here is my story:

Megan Ohana Fiscer's Birth Story



I had been doing the yucky prodromal labor think for what felt like forever. I had almost 6 weeks of contractions that would get so regular and start getting more intense, that I was sure it was "it" a few times. Even had my poor midwife drive out here in the middle of the night which ended up being for nothing. I had regular contractions all through the night on the 10th and called Brenda at about 4am. She came and when she checked me at 8:30 or so, I was a mere 2cm and not effaced much. Megan was also floating high still. I was crushed. Jeramy had the day off and since his grandmother had come up to help with the kids, we decided to go walking that evening to see if it would help anything. I had horrible pressure on my cervix and ended up passing some bloody show. Nothing more though.

The pressure on my cervix changed to a stabbing pain anytime I was doing anything other than sitting, so on Monday the 14th we decided to go walk around a shopping center that is a mile around. The pain was awful, but I wasn't having any contractions at all. I asked Jeramy to stay home on Tuesday because of the pain, and to help around the house. That evening I decided to call Brenda to see if we could try castor oil in the morning. The pain was really awful, and I was having an incredibly hard time getting around after my kids and doing much of anything. I was also a week past my due date and more than a little miserable ( I know, bad reason to try castor oil...but I felt I couldn't take it anymore ).

Right after I got the go ahead from her for the cocktail in the morning, I used the restroom and had at least 3 tissues full of mucous. I called her back to give her the heads up, as I went into labor the same night I passed mucous like that with Noah. I decided to go to Walmart to get some laundry detergent and some needed things and then came home and took a shower. I had been having very small contractions on and off all day, but not much of anything. After the shower, I began having really strong contractions all of a sudden. I went in to lay down to see if they were staying...and they only got stronger. Stronger to the point where when Jeramy checked on me I was in tears. I said it was time to call Brenda. He wanted me to make sure it was really time so she didn't come out again for nothing. I assured him it was! Jeramy filled up the tub, which I went back and forth from because I kept getting too warm. She got here at about 1 or so...and by that time I had already told Jeramy I wasn't sure I could do it. The contractions were very intense and I couldn't imagine it just getting worse. I was also afraid of how far I had progressed...not wanting to hear 3cm or so. When Brenda checked me I was happy to find myself at 5, and she could actually stretch me to 6cm. I tried getting back into the tub, but only ended up getting too hot again. I decided to go lie down in bed to try to cope with everything. I did okay for a while, until things got REALLY intense, at which point I would lose it when a contraction peaked and start shaking my head hard saying I couldn't do it. Brenda was amazing in helping me relax through some of them, reminding me to relax my entire body and even asked if she could pray over me...which I welcomed gladly. Back labor was awful, and my poor husband tried applying counter pressure when I almost felt like I jumped out of my skin...it didn't feel good at all, it only intensified things. I got up and labored on the toilet for a bit which felt good for a while, but then let out a grunt when it felt good to bear down. This alarmed Brenda, and she and Jeramy got the bed prepared. They got the shower liner under the sheet and the chux pads out on the bed. She decided to check me again to see if I was complete, but I was only at 7-8cm. The pressure was awful and I felt like I was having one big contraction, instead of breaks in between. So we decided to go ahead and break my water, and that helped TREMENDOUSLY. I was able to relax and sleep in between contractions somehow. By this point I had gotten REALLY vocal and was having a hard time relaxing during contractions at all. I started feeling pushy again, and when checked I was complete with just a little lip. Brenda said if I was feeling the urge to push, she could help move the lip out of the way. I began pushing and that became an exhausting experience. When I would push, burning pain would radiate through my hips. It felt amazing once I was really pushing effectively, but at the beginning of each push it hurt horribly. I was really becoming exhausted, and Brenda had me change to a side-lying position to push which seemed to be helping, but still not as effective. She suggested the toilet again, but I didn't think I could get up to it. So I rolled over and got on hands and knees and tried that way. Now I was REALLY screaming that I couldn't do it...I was too tired. Jeramy and Brenda kept reassuring me that I could, but I really needed to push. I was the only one that could get her out, and I needed to do it now. I ended up pushing more in a sitting/squatting position and even bit poor Jeramy's hand during one big push. Megan started crowning and I had never felt a burning sensation like that in my life. I was sure everything was going to split wide open. I remember the feeling of Brenda stretching me to keep me from tearing, hurting pretty badly as well. But getting her head out was the hardest. Brenda kept telling me I needed to push through the burning and get her out now, as she had been in that spot for a while and her head was kind of stuck behind my pubic bone. Megan was also going back up in between pushes because I couldn't hold it. So I pushed through the burning and felt her head come out, and then very quickly the rest of her slid right out. It was an amazing feeling.

I relaxed my entire body, still in that squatting position, onto the pillows in front of me. My hair was soaked with sweat and I was exhausted beyond belief, and also incredibly relieved that she was out. I smiled up at my husband and told him that I could feel her kicking against my thighs. They had me roll over, and Jeramy got to hand her to me, but had to be careful since the cord was short. She was beautiful. The first thing I noticed was how long her fingers were. She was so calm and alert. Jeramy was beaming and told me I did it and how proud he was of me. We waited for the cord to stop pulsating and then Brenda clamped and Jeramy cut. I spent some time admiring her, and then Jeramy took Megan out to the livingroom to meet her brother and sister and great grandma so that I could deliver the placenta. It wasn't hard at all, I just pushed and it came out easily. That also felt really good to get out. I was still burning quite a bit, but was laying back and relaxing knowing that the hard work was done.

Jeramy came back in with Megan, and I latched her on to nurse. She latched on immediately and did so very well. I asked if we could weigh her and get measurements...I was so anxious to see! When Megan was born, Brenda said she thought she was a good 8 1/2-9 lbs. Well, Jeramy was the one to weigh her, and he got wide eyed and asked Brenda if what he was seeing was correct. She looked at the scale and got the same look on her face! He then announced 10 lbs 10 ounces and I couldn't believe it. Furthermore, I couldn't believe when Brenda measured her and she was 23 inches long. I knew my belly had been huge, but never imagined she'd come near to 11 pounds. Jeramy went out and announced it to his grandma, who couldn't believe it either.

Brenda checked me for tears, and said it looked like I had one up towards my labia, and then one on my perenium and she could sew me up after I got cleaned up and showered. I tried twice to get up and shower, but while sitting on the toilet I almost passed out after the burning from peeing. So I was sent back to bed until I could get some fluids in and some toast. When I did take a quick shower and get back into bed a few hours after Megan was born, Brenda checked me to find that by me laying with legs together for so long, I was already starting to heal naturally. She had to really look for the tear she found before on my perenium, and she said there were only a few slits up towards my labia from the skin stretching, and those would heal on their own. As for the perenium, she numbed me, which didn't take too well...and I cried through the single stitch she put in. She said one would be enough along with me keeping my legs closed for a while. I was relieved not to have to endure another stitch. She gave me my instructions and a big hug and kiss and left us to our new family.

Recovery has been amazingly fast in comparison to both my previous vaginal birth, and the cesarean. It's amazing how things work perfectly when done naturally. My system didn't have to get over any drugs being pumped into me, or soreness from an episiotomy and stitches. Compared to a lot of homebirth stories I have read, I didn't feel mine went as smoothly, and I definitely didn't cry out that I would do it again after all was said and done...but it WAS beautiful. It was beautiful that my baby was handled gently at birth, not rubbed down and tagged with plastic and handed from one unfamiliar hand to another. She was treated peacefully and gently, and for that alone I would go through the pain all over again.

My Cesarean Story

My Cesarean Story

This is the story of my c-section with my son. It's very long, but I felt that the details needed to be there to complete the story. This is what caused the turning point in my beliefs about birth. If even *one* person learns from my huge mistake, then it is worth talking about.

My Cesarean Story

Noah Orion Fiscer

March 26, 2004 2:31 p.m.

Baby Boy, 8 lbs 8 oz 19 ½ inches long

This is a hard story to write. Mainly because of my enormous feelings of guilt, for being an idiot at the time. For not researching before having my son cut out of my body. For not going with my gut feeling. And ultimately, for causing my son to be ill and spend nine full days in the NICU without his mommy. This is something I fear I will grieve forever. There has been healing, but it has been slow. It was his second birthday that was the hardest on me, because by then I was educated and knew that it was me that failed him. Not my body, not the doctor. Nobody but myself. I have heard so many times that it doesn't matter anymore. That he is healthy NOW, and that's all that matters. But it's not. And I don't say this to gain pity from anyone reading this, or anyone who has heard me say these things. It's MY truth. Yes, he is a very active, healthy little boy who is very sweet in spirit. But when he needed me the most, I failed him. I failed to give him the healthiest delivery possible. I
failed to give him the best start. I have flashbacks of my newborn son, lying sedated and swollen in an isolated NICU room, with his chest caving in with each breath, hooked up to every machine imagineable. And yet, this was supposed to be my "big, healthy baby".

I will start in the beginning, because my pregnancy with him was strange from the beginning. I found out that I was pregnant the week of July 7^th. I had two or three positive pregnancy tests. We were very excited. I had some very strange stomach pains and cramping after sex one night that week though. On Saturday the 12th, I began to bleed heavily. I was cramping and soaking pads. I called into a local hospital, and they guessed me to be about 6-7 weeks along, and explained that there was nothing that could be done about a miscarriage at this stage, unless I began bleeding excessively. To be extremely honest, my feelings were mixed. We were living with family, in a bad situation, and I dreaded bringing a new life into it, nevermind dealing with everything while pregnant. It didn't hit me until about 2 weeks later when we were out to lunch, and I saw a newborn baby. I began to sob then and there. I was mourning our loss without being fully aware that I was mourning. The days past by, and oddly enough I began experiencing major pregnancy symptoms. We decided to test. That test lit up so brightly positive, there was no mistaking it. I ran out of the bathroom shaking and crying to tell Jeramy. We were excited, relieved, and somewhat confused. I made a doctors appointment for later that week. When the doctor palpated, she said that she didn't believe that I miscarried at all, that I was palpating about 8-10 weeks in gestation. She set me up for an ultrasound for two days later. When I had the ultrasound done, it put me at only 4-5 weeks gestation, as did the blood test. The doctor was stumped. I was given a due date of April 27^th.

The pregnancy went on unremarkably, except that at each ultrasound done, I was found to be further ahead than what I was originally given. I went in for an ultrasound at 18 weeks on the dot, when we found out that our belly bean was going to be a little boy, and the ultrasound put me at just over 20 weeks, not 18. We moved, and I had to find a new provider. I chose a hospital that had a "Birth Place", where they had huge tubs to labor in, and no epidural offered. I figured that I had done it epidural-free with Kaitlyn, and I could do it again. I was excited at this. Until things began to make less sense than ever. I felt that something was majorly off. I felt that I was much further along than what my due date was saying. I expressed my concerns with my original doctor, only for my concerns to be waived away. I switched doctors for that and a few other reasons, and this one seemed like she shared my concerns. I stupidly had ultrasound after ultrasound, and each and every one gave me a sooner due date. Each one put me ahead at least 2 weeks. I was now looking at a March 27^th due date. I spoke to my OB about all of these things, as I was so very concerned to have another large baby. At this point I didn't understand that it was Kaitlyn's position and my stupidness at staying in bed and pushing on my back that caused my huge episiotomy and horrible recovery…not her size. I just kept saying that I didn't want another 9 lb baby. Oh how stupid I was.

I went in for a routine appointment on Wednesday, March 24^th and my doctor informed me that my son was already showing over 8 lbs, and that she would induce that evening. I was excited that I was finally being listened to. She had agreed on an earlier due date of April 4^th, about 2 weeks before this induction. She mentioned in passing that the hemoglobin test that I had done at 36 weeks, came back a "bit low" and that they would recheck me with labs when I was admitted to the hospital that evening. I happily packed my bags, called family, and got prepared to meet my little boy. We went and I was admitted, where they drew blood and inserted cervadil. My instructions were to remain in bed for an hour, and then I could get up and walk the halls to try to help the cervadil. I waited my hour, and sent Jeramy to get me some food before labor hit, and set about to walking up and down the hallway. I was about a half hour into walking around when the hospital midwife came rushing in and told me that they had to stop the induction NOW, and that I needed a blood transfusion. Apparently when the hemoglobin test had been done, I came back at 8.2. Anything below 10 is dangerous for mom and baby during delivery. My labs came back from this night, and it was all the way down to 7.4. The midwife explained that it could be potentially life threatening to myself or my son if the induction continued. I was sad, outraged, and confused. How could my OB send me in for an induction if my levels were so low? How could she not even TELL me that my levels were so low, or put a plan of treatment in place? I was angry at having to undergo a blood transfusion, instead of delivering my baby. I received 12 hours of blood, while I asked what was going on. No one could answer since my doctor was not there. When I asked her in the morning when she briefly dropped into my room, she lied. She outright LIED! She told me that she thought my levels "would just go up". She also mentioned that we would check for lung maturity by doing an amniocentesis the following Monday, and THEN possibly do a c-section because of size, within two weeks. WAIT A MINUTE??!! Why are we checking lung maturity four days from now, when you had me come in for an induction last night???? Why are you talking a c-section two weeks from now, when you brought me in for an induction last night? She had no answers, only lies. I was furious, and scared over the idea of delivering with this woman. I told my husband that we would find another doctor and deliver at the other hospital. I had asked to be checked several times before discharge, as I had been contracting all night and lost my mucous plug. No one checked me prior to us leaving. I went home and got on
the phone, calling the other local hospital to try to find another doctor.

A Labor and Delivery nurse mentioned a doctor who was brand new to the area, fresh out of New York's Mount Sinai hospital…one of the up and coming hospitals on the East Coast. She said that because he was new, he might take me on considering my situation and what had happened .My husband and I met with him that afternoon. He palpated and mentioned how large I was, and that there was no possible way of being due in the end of April. That my dates were certainly off. He then went on to tell us of broken collar bones, nerve damage, and cerebral palsy associated with delivering a "macrosomic" baby. We sat there and allowed the fear of delivering a gigantic baby encompass our thoughts. We agreed to meet him at the hospital the next morning for an NST and another ultrasound. He said that he can determine baby's maturity by how much vernix was floating in the amniotic fluid.

I arrived the next morning , March 26^th, at 9am by myself. Jeramy and Kaitlyn dropped me off and went to have breakfast together. I was admitted and was going to be hooked up for the NST when the new doctor arrived and said he'd like to do the ultrasound first. We did the ultrasound, and he saw and showed me the abundance of vernix floating on the screen. Surely he was ready, look at all the vernix! We then went back upstairs where ironically now, he introduced me to the NICU Doctor. He explained that any baby delivered by c-section was examined in the NICU before going to be with mom in post partum. I took this at face value and didn't think more about it. We went in where I was hooked up to the monitor for a 20 minute NST, while my new doctor went out to put my c-section on the books for the next morning. He came back in after 10 minutes to say that he saw some pretty good contractions on the monitor at the nurses station, and commented on how that had better not be me…as he had furniture being delivered that evening for his new office. Sure enough, I was contracting every 4-5 minutes. He checked for dilation, and found me to be 4cm already. He smiled as he announced that the c-section would take place in an hour. Butterflies were going crazy in my stomach, as I frantically tried reaching Jeramy to get his butt back to the hospital, and tried calling my mom and Jeramy's grandmother. We needed someone there to take care of Kaitlyn so that I was not by myself in the operating room. Jeramy got back in plenty of time, as I was being prepped. I had an IV inserted, and a catheter placed without any numbing agent or anesthesia. Jeramy's grandmother arrived just shortly before being wheeled into the OR by myself. I was terrified that I had to go in without Jeramy. "Just until the spinal is in place", they told me. I walked myself into the freezing cold OR, and had asked them to cover the instruments so that I didn't see them. They commented that I was the first patient to request this. I sat up on the OR table, and began sobbing. I had a very kind nurse in front of me, hugging me and stroking my hair, as my spinal was put in place. It was a very odd feeling to have a catheter inserted deep into my back. I was laid down, and almost instantly I couldn't feel anything. I could feel the slight movement of them sterilizing my belly with iodine, but didn't have any real sensations. Jeramy was escorted in to sit by my head and be my support throughout the surgery. I tried my hardest to convince myself that the gut wrenching burning smell I was smelling was not my flesh, but the oxygen mask on my face. It's the only thing I could do to keep from throwing up. I was also falling asleep on the table because of the amount of drugs I was given through my IV.

I experienced what felt like nurses sitting on my chest, as they pushed violently to get my son out of my body through the small incision. I heard the suctioning after his head was out, and Jeramy was instructed to look if he wanted to. My son was pulled out of my body, and whisked away to the warming table. He was crying, I can vaguely remember him crying. They brought him over to me, already fully wrapped and outfitted with a cap, to "meet" and kiss. My son turned purple, and they whisked him away…this time out of the OR and into the NICU. I told Jeramy to go be with him. I continued to fall asleep, going into oblivion as far as what my baby was going through. I was wheeled to the recovery room, mostly asleep, coming in and out of conciousness when the Neonatologist ( remember, the guy I met *before* the surgery? ) came in and explained that my son had experienced two seizures within his first 10 minutes, and that they needed consent to do a spinal tap. "Oh, sure. Do what you need to do, I'll just see him later." I wasn't worrying, because I was too damn out of it to know that there was something to be worried about. I went into my post partum room thinking the same – that my son would join me in my room later.

It was later that evening, when the heavy drugs began wearing off, that I was asking about my son. I was simply told that I could see him in the morning, that he was being kept for observation. Jeramy was not allowed to stay with me, so I was left very much alone in my recovery room. Empty womb, empty arms. As soon as I could, first thing in the morning, I was determined to get up to pee so that I could see my son. That was the stipulation…that I have my catheter removed and they were sure I could move, before going to see him. So, I did. Jeramy arrived to help me go to the NICU, and be my support. No one had given me much information about how he was doing, what state he was in. Imagine walking in to see what you had been told was going to be your "big, healthy baby", and seeing a sedated, swollen, very sick baby with his chest caving in. All that was racing through my mind was "This isn't my baby. They got it wrong. He doesn't look like me, he doesn't feel like mine, he's not healthy. This baby is sick. This baby CAN'T be my baby." I was absolutely devastated.

The neonatologist explained that he had Severe Respiratory Distress Syndrome. Common in cesarean babies. COMMON in cesarean babies. Why the HELL wasn't I warned of this BEFORE I was scared into it? I was told that he had not suffered from any more seizures, and he would be taken off the seizure medication that afternoon. They told us that he was on CPAP, a large tube that delivered oxygen to my baby who couldn't breathe on his own. They gave me no indication of when he would be well enough to be with me. As it was, I could only touch this baby that they told me was mine, I couldn't even hold him. I couldn't nurse my newborn child. I couldn't give him the skin to skin contact that is shown to be so very important for bonding and development. I went back to my room, empty armed again. I sobbed and sobbed to Jeramy, wondering if he was going to make it. Wondering why this happened. I spent the day in pain at my surgery, and the loss of health of my son.

The next morning as we scrubbed into the NICU to see him, a nurse stopped us and asked us to go to the "Family Room", that Noah took a bad turn and was being intubated. I lost it. I was almost hysterical, waiting for the neonatologist to come in and explain. He explained that he wasn't saturating enough oxygen on the CPAP anymore, as his breathing worsened. That he had no guess on how long it would be for, and explained that a series of tests would be ran to try to find the cause of the seizures. He was set up for a head ultrasound, a CAT scan, an echocardiogram, and an EEG. I was terrified. Noah was taken off the intubation the next day, as apparently he screamed louder than any doctor or nurse there, had heard a baby scream with intubation. He tried pulling it out. Noah went back to CPAP, where he did well. This was on Monday. I was discharged from the hospital, and left my son there by himself. That was just as heartbreaking as everything else that was happening. Tests began, and each one showed up as normal. There were no causes found for his seizures. On Tuesday, day 4, I was finally able to hold my precious son. I didn't want to let go. I almost COULDN'T let go. But eventually my incision and my back began killing me. I reluctantly let go, and spent a few more hours there, holding him when I could. I was told that the next day he could begin eating by mouth. So I put a HUGE sign on his isolette, saying that I wanted to breastfeed for his first feeding. I wanted the first thing that he got orally, to be my breast. Thankfully they were very kind at this hospital, and they did indeed have me breastfeed for his first and second feeding. He did wonderfully. He nursed like a champ, and actually saturated oxygen the best he had in days, while nursing. The nurses joked about me staying there around the clock to keep his 02 sats up. I visited him 2-3 times per day, several hours at a time, until we were told he was healthy enough to come home on Sunday, April 4^th…Palm Sunday.

Yes, my son is okay now. He is healthy, and he is strong and active and gorgeous. But it won't ever take the pain away from what I did. How incredibly stupid I was. I have learned now, through much heartache, that God has designed childbirth to work in ways that we may not always understand. That it's not *supposed* to be messed with, or fretted over. We're not supposed to worry about size, because the Bible teaches us that God knits the baby together in our womb. We're not supposed to numb ourselves for one of the most important days of our lives. We feel labor for a reason. Without drugs or epidural, we are coherent. Our body is working with the major release of hormones, instead of against it. It deeply saddens me when moms interfere with birth. When the induce, when the medicate, when they choose a surgical delivery. That isn't how we're supposed to birth….and my story is an example of the consequences that come when we do.